The
Arranged Marriage Process
Arranged marriages vary widely by region and community across
the Indian subcontinent. The marriage process usually begin with a realization
in the family that a child is old enough to marry - for a girl, it is during
her graduation or early twenties and for a boy, it is after he is 'settled',
with a decent job and consistent earnings. The initiation can occur when a
parent or a relative (such as an aunt or an elder sister or sister-in-law)
initiates a conversation on the topic, or the son/daughter approaches the
parent/relative and expresses the desire to be married.
Finding
a matchmaker
If the son/daughter has an
identified love interest, the sponsor often takes it upon themselves to try to
orchestrate a match with that individual. If no such person exists, the sponsor
begins the process of identifying suitable candidates. This is usually done via
an intermediary matchmaker who has a social reputation for maintaining discretion and brokering
successful weddings. The sponsor approaches the matchmaker with a photograph
and the child's horoscope. The matchmaker is often an elderly socialite who is
liked and widely connected to many families. In some regions, specific professions are associated
with matchmaking. For instance, in many parts of North India and Pakistan, the
local barber (or nai) was a frequent go-between. In south of India, the
high class Brahmin plays the role of a matchmaker. To avoid social
embarrassments, complete secrecy is often maintained for any marriage
discussions. If no good matchmaker is accessible to the family, the family may resort
to matrimonial advertising in newspapers or matrimonial websites.
Match criteria
The
family expresses their criteria for a good match to the matchmaker, which is
usually heavily influenced by family considerations but also includes the
personal preferences of the son/daughter. These considerations vary, but can
include -
·
Religion: Marriages
are usually arranged between individuals belonging to the same religion.
Same-religion marriages are the norm in arranged marriages among higher caste people.
·
Caste and culture:
Usually, first preference is given to the same caste. The ancestry of the
individual and the family's culture and traditions also play an important part.
Usually, prospective spouses are looked for from families belonging to the same
region and having the same language and food habits.
·
Horoscope: Numerology
and the positions of stars at birth is often used in Indian culture to predict the success of a particular match. The
higher the match percentage, the more successful will be the marriage.
Horoscope becomes a determining factor if one of the partners is Mângalik (lit.,
negatively influenced by Mars).
·
Profession and status: The profession, financial position and the social
status of the individual is also taken into account.This has a higher
evaluation criteria in case of boys.
.
Exchange
of photographs/information with prospective matches
The
matchmaker identifies a set of potential matches and, based on mutual agreement
between families, it is customary for an exchange of photographs and some
documentation of the factors being considered (for instance, astrological
charts or a resume/biodata) to follow.
These items are usually returnable if the match does not proceed for any
reason: in those scenarios, families customarily cooperate to eliminate any
trace of a matchmaking conversation ever having existed between them. The
son/daughter reviews the information and photographs, with input from the
family and friends, and shortlists a few for in-person meetings.
Meeting
prospective spouses
If
the prospective partners express a desire to meet or if the families are
enthusiastic about a potential match, it is customary for the prospective
groom's family to visit the prospective bride's family. In this event, it is
traditional for the boy's family to arrive (with the boy) and be seated with
the entire girl's family except the girl herself, who then makes a dramatic
entrance dressed in fine clothes, often bringing tea and refreshments with
herself. This practice is sometimes called "seeing the girl"
and has been attacked by some Indian and Pakistani feminists as a classic
instance of gender-bias and the objectification of women. During this visit, the boy and girl are often
encouraged to meet and talk by themselves in a separate room. The families
usually part after this initial meeting without any commitment made by either
side, and with the expectation that they will confer separately and send word
through the matchmaker should they be interested in pursuing matters further.
These meetings are understood to be non-exclusive, i.e. both the boy and girl
are expected to similarly meet with multiple other potential partners at this
stage. There is, however, an expectation of total confidentiality. Families do
not usually disclose who else is being considered for their son/daughter and
expect reciprocal confidentiality from the other party.
If
there is interest from both sides, the matchmaker passes the word in both
directions. If the families are unfamiliar with each other or live in areas
distant from each other, they will frequently launch inquiries through their
social and kin networks, attempting to gather as much independent information
as is possible about the prospective partner. Since urban Indian nuclear
families often lack these extensive networks, many private detective agencies
have begun to offer "matrimonial investigation services" since the
1980s, which investigate the personal and professional histories of a
prospective spouse for a fee.
Engagement
Once
there is mutual agreement between the prospective bride and groom that they
would like to marry, and no red flags have emerged about either party in the
inquiries conducted formally or informally, the other prospective spouses are
declined and their photographs and other documents returned. Families usually
attempt to maintain a high level of cordiality in these interactions, often
invoking the idea of sanjog (predestined
relationship, roughly equivalent to the idea that "marriages are made
in heaven") to defuse any sense of rancor or rejection. An engagement ceremony or a pre-engagement ceremony
(such as roka)
follows. In urban areas, the future spouses are often expected to go out on
dates and develop a romantic relationship in the period between their
engagement and their wedding. In more conservative rural areas, a period of
greater freedom in interaction, or even romantic courtship, between the man and
woman follows. Though dating may not be socially permissible, nonetheless the
couple may talk over the phone
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